


Void

by collapsethelightintoearth



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Guilt, Hurt No Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Past Character Death, Post-Nogitsune, Post-Nogitsune Stiles Stilinski, Season/Series 03, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2019-03-30 10:50:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13950012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/collapsethelightintoearth/pseuds/collapsethelightintoearth
Summary: Stiles doesn’t feel any lessvoidafter the Nogitsune, but it’s a different sort of emptiness now.





	Void

Stiles doesn’t feel any less _void_ after the Nogitsune, but it’s a different sort of emptiness now. 

He has always divided his life into before’s and their subsequent after’s. His mother’s death, his friendship with Scott, Scott’s bite, his feelings for Lydia, the alpha pack, the Nemeton. The list grows to accommodate his ever-changing life, but this addition is different somehow, in ways that make his stomach churn. Now, there is _before_ , when his mind was unquestionably his own, and _after_ , when it no longer is, and maybe never will be again. There’s a _during_ too, but Stiles tries his best not to remember that, even though he knows he’ll never be able to forget. How he struggled, bleary-eyed and grasping with white-knuckled fingers to regain control in his head, screaming for what felt like eons into an endless, hellish abyss. No one heard him though, and it had become harder and harder to stop the Nogitsune’s feelings from bleeding into his own.

‘You opened a door in your minds’, Deaton had said, ‘ _and something got in’_ , Stiles thinks. He resolutely ignores the thought that arises, sudden and unbidden, _‘and what if it didn’t leave? And even if it did, what if that door never closes, and it’s always open just enough for something to get inside?’_

His next breath catches in his throat as the truth finally hits him in its entirety, and he understands _why_ Allison wasn’t sitting with the rest of them at lunch that day. And how she won’t be there the day after that, either, and Stiles can feel an echo of the Nogitsune’s delight rise up in him along with bile, and he somehow makes it to the bathroom before heaving up his lunch, dizzy with horror and half-remembered glee.

Stiles knows that he survived, but now he thinks that maybe survival isn’t so absolute. He looks down at his shaking hands, mouth tasting of vomit and ash, and wonders, not for the first time since the Nogitsune was defeated, how much of himself has been lost forever. Then he thinks of Allison, of Aiden, of the agony in Scott’s face as he pushed the sword deeper into his abdomen, his own face twisted up in a mask of flippant cruelty, and feels very small. 

Stiles reflects on all they have lost, and feels the chasm deep within his chest – the one that formed after his sacrifice to the Nemeton, and which by now is a familiar, permanent fixture of himself – begin to widen, stinging like a half-healed wound that has once again been aggravated. But still, Stiles knows that it’s better his heart is cracked open than his mind. 

He feels as though he’s dropped off the edge of a cliff only to find himself wading through a fog of emptiness so consuming that he’s not sure he’ll ever feel whole again. And maybe he won’t. But at least this _void_ is different, borne of guilt, horror, and despair. At least this _void_ came from Stiles alone; there is no trace of the Nogitsune’s feelings here. It’s too small a comfort though, and just like before, Stiles is left to suffer through the _void_ alone.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really know what this is tbh. I was talking to one of my friends yesterday about writing fanfic and was subsequently inspired to write the first thing I've written in a while. This is also the first thing I've posted in nearly 3 years, and my first Teen Wolf fanfic. So, yeah. I may write more Teen Wolf drabbles in the future, because this was fun to do. (This is also further proof that I can't really write anything happy. Or at least, it's 100000% easier for me to write things that are depressing af.)


End file.
